On Our Minds

Grief can definitely suck big-time during the holidays and in a whole bunch of different ways. So for the past several weeks, we've shared strategies, thoughts, and reflections from many of the grieving teens on our Youth Advisory Board. We hope they bring you comfort and remind you that you're not alone!

Alexander, age 15: For me the holidays are some of the most difficult times after losing my dad. The advice I would give to other grieving teens is to appreciate and honor the memories you had with your loved one. My gamily put up ornaments that we got together on vacation with my dad in the front of the tree, and we leave a spot at the dinner for him. I would recommend this because you can feel the presence of your loved one without them being there. Instead of thinking of the holidays as a sad time, I try to focus on the good memories and to bring back those traditions that we did together.

Javier, age 14: The biggest piece of advice for the holidays I have is to spend it with people you love. Whether it's your family or your friends having a good environment around you is the best thing you could do for yourself. I also think it's good to reminisce on the holidays you had with your person with other people that knew them and try and think about all the amazing times you had with them. I sometimes look at memories that my photos app automatically makes and when I see my person the happy feelings start to flood in, especially if I am with my sisters or mom.

Teelin, age 15: When I was younger I enjoyed the holidays very much and never had any problems enjoying them. I loved Halloween and Christmas, and all the traditions made me very happy. However, as I grew up, around Christmas time especially, the winter holiday season started to be more and more challenging for me. I felt the pressure from my friends and family to be happy when in reality I wasn’t. I missed my father and seeing all the families come together hurt because my father wasn’t there and he couldn’t come together with the rest of my family. I felt that if I wasn’t happy around others then I would be the odd one out. It seemed everyone else was happy or at least was “supposed to be.” As I grew older andI lived through winters without my dad, I learned that you're not the odd one out on holidays if you aren't happy and that no one is pressuring you to feel a certain way. This was a very important lesson for me to understand. After this awareness, I felt the freedom to express the emotions I was honestly feeling, not the ones I felt obligated to feel. I was relieved and happy that I simultaneously felt good on the holidays even when I missed my father. The advice I would give others is to remember that there is never a certain way someone is supposed to feel at any specific time, and never to feel like you have to comply with the norm of being “happy” on the holidays. 

Annika, age 13: One thing I recommend for other teenagers during the holiday season is to try not to withdraw. I know that the holidays aren’t the same as before but trying to keep your traditions alive is the best thing you can do. I hate celebrating Christmas because it reminds me too much of my dad, but I still try. It’s hard and now that we have a blended family, our traditions are changing, but that doesn’t mean that I have to change as well. Every year when Christmas comes around I find something else to love, something that won’t change and that I can rely on. Then I participate in what I need to, so I can make my mom happy, and spend the rest of the day time taking care of myself. Self-care is important during the holidays, whether it’s by sleeping, taking a shower, spending time with friends, painting your nails, or whatever else calms you down and makes you happy.

Did you miss our advice from Part 1, Part 2 or Part 3? We hope you found comfort and belonging in our series.

Grief can definitely suck big-time during the holidays and in a whole bunch of different ways. So for the next several weeks, we're sharing strategies, thoughts, and reflections from many of the grieving teens on our Youth Advisory Board. We hope they'll bring you comfort and remind you that you're not alone!

Gracie, age 13: Some holidays are harder than others. I have a twin brother who really helps when I’m sad. I also have a pretty big family outside my house who I know will be there to comfort me when I need it. I think the best advice I can give to grieving teens around the holidays is to surround yourself with the people you feel safe with. Holidays without your loved ones are hard but it’s good to know that it does get better and you have to feel the highs and the lows.

Gabi, age 17: As each year goes by, I try to convince myself that the Holidays get easier. I’ve evolved to thinking… my grief will be different each year, and that’s ok. My one piece of advice is spend the holiday season with people that you love, doing things that you love. Whether that’s having friends over to watch a holiday movie, decorating holiday cookies with your families, or Facetiming a friend you haven’t talked to in a while. This is a time of year to be intentional about what you choose to do. This is something that you have control over… given that grief likes to come smack you in the face whenever it feels like it. This year, I have begun hyping myself up for the holidays by watching all of the new Christmas movie trailers on Netflix. I made a list that I will start watching the day after Thanksgiving.

Jaymul, age 16: The holiday season can be tough because my dad isn’t here to celebrate. It’s a mix of missing him and feeling like something is just…off. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or guilty for trying to enjoy parts. One thing that helps me is creating little ways to remember them during the holidays. When we lived in India he still tried to let us experience Christmas. He’d make fake snow, a fireplace and so many little things. Now that we are actually in America it doesn't feel as real as the ones he'd make for us. Sometimes, I’ll hang an ornament that reminds me of them or make food that reminds me. I also try to focus on the people still here—leaning on friends or family for support. It doesn’t make the pain disappear, but it reminds me I’m not alone. Whatever you’re feeling, know it’s valid, and taking care of yourself, even in small ways, matters. 

Ann, age 13: The holidays are a time of year especially hard on my and many other people's grief. Not having your loved ones with you to celebrate holidays that are supposed to be happy is really hard. My brother passed away when I was young so I don’t have many memories of holidays back then but one of the things I do remember is playing board games as a family. So now on holidays I really enjoy keeping the tradition alive and playing board games. I also like listening to music that reminds me of my brother and lighting a candle for him, to keep him close to my heart during the holiday season.

Lola, age 13: For me holidays are something I dread for years because of feeling lonely and out of place. But the more time has passed I’ve been able to accept reality and learn how to better cope with my thoughts as well as emotions. As grievers we unfortunately get used to people not always being around, but just because they aren’t here doesn’t mean we can’t admire and celebrate as if they were. For me and my family we reminisce about the people we’ve lost. Especially when sometimes just being able to sit, laugh, smile or even cry remembering and loving the people we miss. Personally I love being able to spend time with family or friends and also just treating myself to be open and lively during the best time of the year.

Did you miss our advice from Part 1 and Part 2? 

Stay tuned for Part 4, with our final advice.

Grief can definitely suck big-time during the holidays and in a whole bunch of different ways. So for the next several weeks, we're sharing strategies, thoughts, and reflections from many of the grieving teens on our Youth Advisory Board. We hope they'll bring you comfort and remind you that you're not alone!

Olivia, age 17: The holidays can be especially hard when someone you love isn’t there to celebrate with you. One way I found to help cope is to keep up the traditions you shared with them—this can help bring back good memories and make you feel closer to them. For me, watching our favorite holiday movies and baking helps lift my spirits and reminds me of the good times I had with my dad. It’s also helpful to spend time with family and friends. You’re likely not alone in missing them, and coming together can make everyone not feel as alone during the holidays. Sharing memories, even if it brings up some sadness, helps keep their spirit alive and brings a sense of togetherness. Though it can feel lonely without them, remembering their love and the joy they brought can add some warmth to the season. 

Sarafina, age 15: My dad died when I was young so the first holiday memories I have, he wasn’t in them. But, one thing that is hard during the holidays is seeing holiday cards with whole families. It makes me sad to know my dad hasen’t been in them for a long time but my mom always makes sure to add something special as a reminder of him.
 
Leila, age 16: The holiday season is really hard for me just as it is everyone else. I miss traditions like Christmas, cards, picking out the tree, and baking with my mom. I find that me and my family try to keep as many traditions alive, like cutting down a tree together. My dad, my two brothers, and I all cut down a tree and a few days later we decorate it. My dad’s girlfriend has joined in and so have my brother's girlfriends. When we decorate we always put up my mom’s favorite angel on the tree and my brother and I point out my mom’s favorite ornaments. During the holiday season I definitely feel a weight on my chest and there really is no way for me to get over that and I think for years to come the holidays will make me sad so I choose to just embrace it. I let myself feel emotional and sad on Christmas’s morning, and me and my brothers sit with a photo of our mom and light a candle for her.

Simone, age 16: Personally I don't know what advice to give other than be aware of yourself and how you handle your grief. Because around Christmas, thanksgiving and New Years I get stressed easily and my fight to do things isn't there. I notice I don't really know what to do other than wish he was here. Wish I was still clinging to him at parties. One thing I continuously try to do is watch a movie or movies with my siblings and help each other with the emptiness where our father should've been. That's all I can really say. As I still haven't fully found a way to cope during these times or celebrations.

Janiyah, age 17: When holidays come around I start to feel disappointed due to having to celebrate yet another year without my dad. Some advice that I received over the years that I could pass on to someone going through grief would be to occupy yourself with the loved ones that are with you. Of course that might get you a temporary feeling of relief but what I found that is helpful also is to still include your loved one that passed. For example, everyone can gather together and sing the person's favorite song, etc.

Did you miss Part 1? Check out more thoughts from teens about the holidays here.

Stay tuned for Part 3.
 

Grief can definitely suck big-time during the holidays and in a whole bunch of different ways. So for the next several weeks, we're sharing strategies, thoughts, and reflections from many of the grieving teens on our Youth Advisory Board. We hope they'll bring you comfort and remind you that you're not alone!

Amber, age 16: The holiday season is starting, and I know how tough it can be for grieving teens. After I lost my dad, the holidays felt completely different; it was like a huge part of the season was missing, and I felt this emptiness that made it hard to enjoy the celebrations. One thing that helps me is finding ways to honor my dad's memory. I might do something he loved—like cooking his favorite foods or listening to a song we both enjoyed—so he still feels close. I also make sure to take breaks when it all feels too overwhelming, even if that means stepping away from family gatherings for a few minutes. It’s okay to feel sad, even while others are celebrating, and it’s okay to find your own way to cope. Remembering that my feelings are valid helps me get through, and I hope other teens can find small ways to feel connected to their person too.

Erin, age 16: I think the winter holidays are one of the most challenging parts of the year for my grief. Christmas is a time of family so having part of mine missing is really apparent in the winter. I think the hardest holiday for me is New Years. It represents one more year that my dad has been dead. Any holiday to celebrate the passing of time is really challenging for someone who yearns for the past.

Grayson, age 16: I think the holidays can be hard for anybody who has lost someone, regardless of who it is. I know for me, losing my brother, I miss a lot of traditions I used to do with him. One thing that helps me when I'm feeling sad is to think of all the good memories those traditions made, and be glad to have those memories. Sometimes even when you are feeling overwhelmed, remembering all the good times you had with your person during the holidays can help ground you. Another thing I do is create new traditions, so that while I can enjoy the memories I had with my brother, I can also make new ones with other people and not feel stuck in time. As always, if I am ever feeling too emotional during the holidays, I will take a break because stepping away from whatever is happening is also perfectly fine.

Riya, age 14: It is hard to feel happy and want to celebrate the holidays when your person is not there with you. I have had many holidays without my dad, but one thing that really helps is knowing that there are so many other people in my life that love me, and can be with me so I'm not alone. During the holidays, especially the winter holidays, I try to enjoy the time with my family, but I keep my dad close in my heart, and the rest of my family's as well. We know that he is always with us, even if he can't be there physically with us to celebrate. If you try not to think about your person during the holidays, it will only make you think about them more. I think it is important for teens to know that it's ok to think about your person, just know you are not alone.

Giovanni, age 13: The holidays hadn’t started when my father passed, but when they came I felt lonely and saddened that I wasn’t able to spend the holidays with him that I was planning on doing that year. Though I didn’t get to spend time on the holidays that year, I spent it with people I love and trust in my family. My family helped me and guided me through the holidays, and I suggest teens should try to spend time with the people they care for.

Maybe you adore Halloween - the horror movies, the king-size Snickers, the absurd trendy or classic costumes. But know you’re not alone if you’re a grieving teen who gets a little (or a whole lot) creeped out by the gory, death-themed decor (tombstones, skeletons, zombies, ghosts, etc.).

In fact, here's what some of our followers on IG responded when we asked, “Are scary Halloween decorations triggering for you?”

• “I love Halloween decorations but I think they should stick to looking somewhat fake and creepy. The more gory realistic decorations can be triggering and should be kept to haunted houses and Halloween events.”
• “I can’t do it. Had to get rid of all the 🪦☠️ stuff & do cutesy.”
• “I especially hate seeing body-bag decorations.”
• “I’m triggered by people hanging from trees by the neck. And sometimes zombies when they are very realistic (trauma and decomp). I find it weird that we don’t look at our own dead that way but then we treat it like entertainment.”

How to navigate Halloween if you hate the scary decor

Acknowledge the feels. That freaked-out emotion or stomach ache you get when you see plastic skulls and fake blood? It’s totally understandable if it upsets rather than delights you - give yourself permission to feel that and make good choices for yourself instead of proving you can handle it.

Skip the day or change traditions. There’s no rule saying you need to participate in Halloween or any other holiday that makes you feel more grief-y than you already do. So you have our permission to read a book or paint or play video games or surf the internet for silly memes or whatever else you like. 

Or you can change the holidays by creating a new tradition. Ask a good friend(s) if they want to come over and play silly games, bake pumpkin brownies, shoot hoops, or watch a new Netflix special. You can even decorate your house together with goofy, feel-good decorations.

Tell us your thoughts on Halloween scary decorations - fan or foe?

If you’ve recently experienced the death of a family member or friend, you know one big challenge can be deciding who to share the news with, and who not to tell. It can feel flat-out weird that you’ve been through this huge life-altering experience, and no one can tell by looking at you. All of your feelings (sadness, rage, frustration, worry) are invisible. 

Now it’s back to school season - do you share the news with your class? Would that make it better or worse?

Maybe you want your peers to know about the death so they can understand you better, cut you some slack, and possibly even help you hold some of the feelings. 

Maybe you don’t want your classmates to know because you’re afraid they’ll label you as the grieving kid who's different now...weird. Many grieving teens feel this way so you're not alone. 

And if you keep changing your mind, know that’s normal too. You don’t have to decide until you’re ready.

There's no right or wrong here.

Here’s what we can tell you: whatever answer is most right for you is valid. Whatever action you want to take, or not take, is okay. That said, if you do decide to tell some of your peers, we recommend you talk first to your parent/caregiver, and teacher/school counselor about your choice (if they feel trustworthy to you). That way, they can support you no matter how the conversations with classmates go.

You get to call the boundaries.

Lastly, know that just because you’ve shared the news doesn’t mean that you have to answer anyone's follow-up questions, like “how did it happen?” or “who else knows about this?" or anything else.

You can always say, “I wanted to share but I don’t want to answer any questions right now” or “Thanks for asking but that’s as much as I want to say." You don't owe anyone more info.

We know this all can all be new and hard and strange. And just know there are literally millions of other young people going through the same thing right now. We see you.
 

So, you’re going through a rough time and someone asks how you’re doing. You’re honest and say something like “not great” or “I’m having a hard time.” What you’re hoping for is empathy, maybe some support. Instead, you get advice that makes things worse.

Here’s the deal—what seems like terrible advice to you might actually help someone else. For instance, you might hate hearing “everything happens for a reason,” but maybe someone else finds that comforting.

But hey, this is about YOU and how to take care of yourself. So what do you do when someone’s advice is just not landing? You don’t have to sit there and take it.

Here are 3 things you can do:

1. Just say “Thanks, but I gotta go” and leave. Then you can go somewhere private, vent a little (maybe yell “RUDE!” at the top of your lungs), and move on with your day.

2. Shut it down. “I appreciate you trying to help, but that’s not really what I need right now.”

3. Set boundaries. If you truly want to shut it down, say something like, “I’d rather you just listen to how I’m feeling and not give advice.” It’s not a bad idea to set the rules, especially if you're going to seem them again and potentially deal with more crappy advice.

Most people sharing their "wisdom" are just trying to help, but remember: you’re the one grieving, so you don’t have to take it or even listen to their advice if it’s just not what you need. Be respectful, but focus on taking care of yourself! 
 

Summer is typically viewed as the “fun season” for teens - no homework, festivals galore, camping, swimming, BBQ parties, and afternoons at the pool or beach. But it can be hard to tap that summer spirit when we’re grieving; it can even make us feel more alone because everyone else seems to be having so much fun and celebrating. 

First and foremost, you get to feel exactly as you’re feeling. You also get to cry your eyes out, punch a pillow in frustration, experience jealousy of kids who are having fun and NOT grieving. All those feelings are okay!

AND also...

Here are four ways to help ease the struggle when you’re ready:

Get out. Seriously, the Vitamin D from sunshine boosts our levels of the chemical, serotonin, in our brain, which boosts our mood.

Give yourself to have fun. It can feel like you’re in the wrong if you feel happy when your person died. They're not here; how dare you be happy! But we promise it’s okay to have fun and enjoy life; it does not mean you’ve forgotten them at all.

Experiment with how to have fun. See if your old favorite summer activities still bring happiness. If they don’t, make a point of trying one or two new actitivites. You don’t have to commit to them. Just be curious and see what happens.

Honor your person who died. If you can’t think of anything new to even try, why not start with something your person who died loved, whether it’s kayaking in their favorite spot, ordering their favorite flavor ice scream, fishing, reading on a hammock, etc. It may have the added benefit of making you smile and feel more connected!

You want to feel all sunshine and balloons during your graduation, but the reality is that you keep thinking about the fact that your person who died won’t be there. And that truly sucks.

It may feel like there’s a big hole that no one wants to talk about (maybe even your family doesn’t want to mention it). We see you. Know that you can hold that sadness with the pride of graduating.

Also, there are ways to include the person who died in your celebrations. Here are just a few. 

1. Add their name to your graduation cap. Whether you write “Dad”/”Mom”/”Brother”/“Sister” their formal name, or their nickname is up to you. You can add their name to the top of your cap for all to see or on a slip of paper that you tape inside.

2. Wear a reminder under your gown. Maybe you wear their favorite T-shirt, a necklace they gave you, a pin, or a tie! There’s no right way to do this. Pick whatever makes you feel close.

3. Talk to them. No, they won’t be there hugging you at the ceremony. But that doesn’t mean you can’t share your feelings with them. Tell your person what you want to say in a private place or in a letter. Write lyrics to a song or make a piece of art that expresses your feelings. Or share what you’d want to say with a trusted friend or relative if you prefer that support.

Whatever you do, know that here at GRIEF SUCKS, we’re celebrating you big time and helping you hold ALL your feelings. 

You know what extra sucks about grief? When you're asked a question about a family member who is dead but the person who asked has no clue. They say something like, “Why didn't your dad come tonight?”, or “Why does your mother never pick you up?” or “Are you an only child?”

Ugh, how do you respond? Do you just blurt out, "um, [that person] is dead!" You can, but let us suggest some other options from Kelia Bergin, a licensed mental health counselor who specializes in grief.

Three options:

1. Keep it short but open the possibility of a talk: Maybe you’d like to chat a bit about your person who died and think this person is sensitive. Try: “My dad died a few years ago; we were really close and I honestly don’t get asked about him much.” This does leave you a little vulnerable because they may freak out and say something weird or disappointing. But maybe not.

2. Shut it down: If you for sure don’t want to talk about it, you can say something like “My sister’s dead, and I know you didn’t know that but I don’t like talking about it.” Message clear; game over.

3. Change the subject (not our personal favorite but an option): Pretend you didn’t hear their question in the first place. They say, “Is your Dad coming later?” You say: “Did you watch last night’s basketball game?” or “What’s your family doing for the holiday?”  It could work.

How you choose to respond can depend on how well you know the person who asked or even what your mood is. There is no right response, there’s just what works for you. We hope it helps to at least have some options ahead of time.

If you read no other words in this article, know you’re not alone.

After someone in our life dies, it’s so understandable and common to feel fearful about another family member dying. Our brains think, “It’s happened to us before, why can’t it happen again?” And while we can’t tell you that a family member won’t die again–death is, after all, a natural part of life–we can tell you a few things we hope you’ll find comforting.

Your brain is trying to help (even if it's not)

First, your brain loves to protect you. A lot of grieving people obsess about another person dying as a way to feel like they have some control over it. Like, if we worry enough, it won’t happen or if it does, at least we expected it. It’s okay to have these feelings once in a while (like we said, it’s very normal), but remember, they’re just thoughts and not reality. If you find you can’t shake the thoughts, we hope you’ll talk to your caregiver about meeting with a therapist so you don’t have to suffer so much.

Try to let love win

Second, be patient with yourself. Know that you’ve experienced something horrible, and your brain will tell you all kinds of stories because of that. Use coping tools like going for a walk, listening to music, punching a pillow, or even spending time with those family members you’re worried about. Unfortunately, we can’t control the timing of when anyone dies; but we can control how much we love them and embrace the relationship while we’re alive. Make plans with the person, call them to chat, and tell them how much you care about them.

We wish you hadn’t had to experience all the pain and heartache, and we wish you didn’t have to experience all the after-impacts of that person’s death. Be kind and gentle to yourself, and plenty patient too because this is a process and not something we just get over.
 

There are movies about grief that make us cringe and eyeroll because the script is so poorly written and unbelievable. And then there are some that are so very right that we have to pause in the middle of it and grab more fistfuls of tissues. We wanted to know what movies YOU think get it right about grief, and here’s what we heard from you. They are not in any ranking. And they are YOUR choices (so don’t yell at us if you don’t agree).

The Fault in Our Stars (2014)

My Girl (1991)

Steel Magnolias (1989)

This is Where I Leave You (2014)

Midsommer (2003)

Guillermo Del Toro’s Pinocchio (2022)

Big Fish (2003)

Marcel the Shell with Shoes On (2021)

Ordinary People (1980)

Up (2009)

Which ones are we missing? Let us know here!

We’ll cut right to the chase: Nope, it’s not weird to feel numb; it’s natural. 

It’s huge and shocking when someone we care about is here one day and not the next. Even though that happens to people every single day and we all know death is a reality, it still doesn’t seem possible when it happens to us.

We may dislike the weirdness of not being able to feel anything but think of it as a buffer. Your body and brain are taking a giant pause before the next part of the journey…experiencing the feels and trying to process what happened. This part can take a long while (even if your friend’s death was expected).

If you’re wanting to feel more grounded to your body, the best thing to do is move: Take a walk around the block or go for an easy hike in nature. Put on music you enjoy and shake your body parts out (gently!). Yoga and light stretching can be good for grounding. And deep breathing–slow inhales all the way into the belly followed by slow exhales–always helps. 

Most of all, be gentle with yourself. 
 

We asked our youth advisory board to share with us some of the most annoying (or downright offensive) things people say to them after hearing they’re grieving a death. Here are eight they hope to never (ever) hear again.

1. "I know what that feels like; when my dog died I was sad."
2. "You'll get over it with time."
3. "I would be sad if my mom (or whoever it is they lost) died."
4. “I feel so bad for you.”
5. “Everything happens for a reason.”
6. “Things will get better.”
7. “Wasn’t the death years ago? Why are you sad still?”
8. "You need to talk more about the death."

What do you prefer? For the most part, grieving teens opt for others just acknowledging that the grief must be hard. How? By showing interest in knowing something about their person who died, offering a hug, and/or an texting an invitation to talk or just hang out.

Have thoughts about this? Head over to IG and let us know!

Every griever has their own individual journey, and teens have different opinions about whether visiting their person who died at the cemetary is comforting. That was clear when we asked you the question on IG.

Plenty of teens do find it comforting to sit by the grave, and feel it’s a place that brings peace and even a space to have private conversations with their person. As one person shared with us: “Went last week! Laying down on the ground makes me feel closer to my mom, knowing the body I knew is right there.”

A few of you wish there was a gravesite to visit:

“It makes me sad I don't live closer to the cemetery - I probably would visit my brother more if I was local but rn I only go for his anniversary and birthday and that's only if I’m in town.”

"My dad was cremated and I’m always a little sad that I don’t have a grave site to visit."

But you’re not alone if you don’t like going:

“I feel guilty for saying this but it’s kinda boring. All anyone does is go and look at a stone slab.”

“I feel like there’s no point for me to go there.”

We hear regularly from teens who feel more disconnected there (“I don’t feel like that’s where my mom truly is”); who don’t like being reminded of the funeral (“I just keep envisioning my dad being buried in the casket and hate it there”); and feel “blank” (“I have memories of my sister at our house, not a cemetery”). So no, there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t like going to the cemetery, and no reason to feel guilty.

Feeling pressured to visit by family members?

1. Explain (respectfully, of course) to the person how it makes you feel when you're at the cemetery.

2. Then suggest some other ways your family can together honor your person who died. That way, the family member will know you're not trying to forget about your person; you just don't like the cemetary.  Check out some possible suggestions here.

You hear about people whose relative or friend died and then send signs: a cardinal, a butterfly, a coin on the ground, a rainbow, or something else. These folks will say they know it was from their person, they can feel it. That’s great…truly…but why are YOU not getting a sign from your person?

Are you doing something wrong? Are you trying too hard? Is your person not sending a sign because they’re mad at you? Did they forget you? What the hell?

Says James, age 15, “I tell people I don’t believe in signs, but the truth is, I’m bummed that I’m not getting any. It would be nice to know that my mom is up there somewhere and sending messages to let me know she loves me.”

To James–and the many, MANY people–who are disappointed and frustrated about not receiving signs, you are not doing it wrong. 

The first thing we’d suggest: take the pressure off of yourself to locate signs. It’s not something to force; there are no action steps to take.

Also, many people define “signs”' in a way that’s limited.  It doesn’t have to be a specific symbol or written message. A sign can be that little urge you get to talk with someone about your person, look at a picture of them; hear the song they loved; or eat the meal they cherished. Maybe that little urge is just the sign you’ve been waiting for.

The whole point of a sign is to feel a connection to your person. And that’s something you can bring about whenever you want.

Hear from other teens about signs.
 

Your friends or classmates are talking about how annoying moms or dads can be. You're already feeling bad because your mom or dad is DEAD. Then one of them turns to you and says, "You're so lucky you don't have to deal with this!" or "You wouldn't understand because your mom/dad is dead." Like… be so freaking for real right now!

You stand there feeling shocked, like you just got punched in the stomach. 

What next? Maybe you stand there looking at your shoes, waiting for the conversation to change. Perhaps you stomp off and slam a door for effect. Maybe you say, “I have to go do a thing…” and then find somewhere to sob your eyes out.

Later, maybe, you regret not standing up for yourself. But it’s too late. Right? Nope.

First, you have every right to feel upset, sad, pissed off. I mean, what about a little sensitivity from a friend or peer? Let yourself feel exactly how you’re feeling without trying to talk yourself out of it or explain it away (“they didn’t mean anything by it”). You get to be MAD.

Next, take care of yourself. Maybe go somewhere quiet and cry; or wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a hug, or stomp your feet or shake out your arms real fast. Maybe you do all of these.

And if and when you are ready, you can pull the person aside who said the rude comment and say, “What you said earlier was rude/mean/cruel.” They might say they were joking. You can reply, “It wasn’t at all funny.” Or “Would you think it was funny if your mom died and I made a joke about it?” They might say, “I didn’t realize it upset you.” You can say, “It did. Please don’t say anything like that ever again.” They might apologize. That would be good. They might not apologize…and then you might want to consider whether this friend is indeed a friend.

And please know that here at GRIEF SUCKS, we got you. All the time.
 

One thing that makes grief extra hard for a lot of teens? So few friends and peers seem to "get it" about grief or how to talk about it. Many want to say the right comforting thing; they clearly just don't know how.

We asked some teens who are grieving "Do your non-grieving friends ever talk about grief or death?" 

A few said yes. Like Virginia, age 18, told us, "My friends definitely talk about death. They all have expressed some kind of grief. We know about each others' grieving experiences and how to comfort everyone in our friend group." Ann, 13, told us, "My friends talk about the deaths of their grandparents and how their grief affects them." 

We love that some teens are talking openly about grief but it seems pretty rare, unfortunately.

Members of our Youth Advisory Board told us:

"Most of my friends don't really know how to approach the subject," said Grayson, age 15. "They seem uncomfortable when I bring up the death of my brother so I try to avoid it around them. Most of them have little to no experience with grief."

"I think my friends try so hard to understand what I'm going through," Olivia, age 17, told us. "They say they do but they don't know. As the years go by, they get more used to my talking about it. They know that some days are harder than others, when I'm upset because I miss my person and that the dark humor that comes grieving. It took them a while to get used to the jokes and laugh with me. It's harder to talk to new friends because I have to explain my whole grief story all over again."

"When I bring up my father's death to my friends, said Lola, age 13, "my friends seem very uncomfortable. They try to compare my grief to things in their own lives, like their dads working a lot. I've also had to know my crowd and know if I should share a story or dark joke, which can cause conflict. Sometimes people have said just plain rude and mean comments, which makes me wonder if I should talk about it at all."

"On occasion, my non-grieving friends talk about death," added Fox, age 18. "For me, it's less about what they talk about, but the fact that conversations are always brief, making it seem like grief is a topic that shouldn't be discussed." 

So jackpot if you have friends who know what to say and how to show up for you when you're feeling bummed. But if you don't? Well, know that at least you're not alone!

What do YOU think? Weigh in on IG.

You know what really blows? Those mornings when we wake up and are already missing our person who died. Like, we haven't even opened our eyes yet, and BAM, we’re in our griefy feelings. On the days when all you want to do is scream, cry, throw up (you get it), something we found to be helpful is taking that grief and leaning right into it. 

One of the best ways to do it? Music. 

Put those records on and vibe:

1. Put a playlist together. You can include favorite songs that boost your spirits, remind you of your person, or ones that send you straight to sobbing. Did you know when we cry, we shed in our tears oxytocin and endorphins (chemicals that make us feel better)? For playlist inspiration, check out our "Discover Griefly" playlists over at IG (@griefsucksdotcom) and our "What We're Lovin'" section.

2. Release the feels by writing lyrics. Tina (see pic), age 17, experienced the death of her mom when Tina was 12 years old. One of the ways she started to heal was by creating songs, and she says, "Writing music became my outlet through every whirlwind of emotions that came my way. For every moment I felt hurt or helpless, there was a song that could come from it. It was my way of processing." (Check out her music at tinalarosa.com.)

3. Sing it out. If you find comfort in playing with others, have a jam sesh with family or friends who also loved your person and indulge in an impromptu karaoke session in their honor. In our professional opinion, a good scream-singing of  songs you or your person loved the most is big-time healing. Mixing silly with sad is sometimes just the ticket.
 

Yes. It's okay to experience joy!

We get it. It sometimes feels hard or weird or both to have happy moments when you’re experiencing loss. Maybe you feel even guilty (how dare you feel joy at this terrible time, right?).

Says Tina, age 17, whose mom died when she was 12, “Accepting happiness after all of the pain I've been through is honestly the hardest part of grief. Sometimes we grievers just have to reframe our thinking!”

How do we reframe our thinking? We plan small feel-good experiences that create life balance, give us a short break from the heartache, and remind us that good things happen. Don’t wait for joy to pop up; plan it! 

Here are three things to spark joy while grieving:
 
Snuggle. If you have access to a puppy or kitty, we highly recommend getting some snuggles and pets in. Whether that’s asking a friend to come over and spend time with them and their pet, spending time with your own, or volunteering to pet some pups at the Anti-Cruelty Society.

Bake. Grab a box of brownie mix and load up on all the chocolate. Not only do you get a tasty treat at the end of your efforts, but baking can be incredibly meditative.
 
Sing. Make a Spotify playlist (or Apple Music, if that’s your jam) full of the songs that make you happiest. Belt out show tunes if you’re a musical theater kid. Blast some Kendrick Lamar and rap along to your favorite hype song. If that seems like too much work, just check out one of our Discovery Griefly playlists on Spotify. 
 

We've heard in movies, TV shows, books and casual conversation that there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And once we go through these stages, we're home-free, healed from grief.

The problem: IT'S NOT TRUE, PEOPLE.

What IS true: 

Years ago, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, worked with people who were dying in hospice. She noticed there were five common phases for people who knew they would be dying soon (denial, anger, bargaining, etc.) She wrote about it in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying.

BUT...it was never meant to be applied to people in general who are grieving. 

So why do we assume it's for all of us? Probably because the media loves to publish content that's short and punchy (think, "3 Ways to Drop 10 pounds," "4 Ways to Be a Good Friend," "Six ways to boost your grades)." And it just kept spreading, like juicy secrets.

The big problem?

The "5 Stages of Grief" is so stuck in our vocab that we think there is something wrong with us and others who don't experience them in order. The reality of grief? It's a messy, non-linear business. Before graduation, you might be depressed your person died. A year later, you might feel angry knowing they won't be at your wedding. You might accept the death, and then not accept it two years later. There are room for all the feels, as they happen.

So next time you hear someone talking about the "5 Stages of Grief"? Maybe let them gently know that it's not, and was never, a prescription we're supposed to follow.

Planning on making a New Year's resolution this year? If so, we hope you're planning for one that's real gentle and kind for yourself. If you need help thinking of one (and feel free to ditch the idea entirely), we've got some suggestions for you.

Resolution 1: Lose all the "should's" when it comes to grieving. No more, "I should go to the cemetary more" or "I should be feeling happier by now" or "I should stop feeling so tired." When it comes to grief, you just get to feel how you feel.

Resolution 2: Say your person's name who died. When our person dies, it often feels like everyone stops saying their name out loud so that you won't feel sad. Well, you probably DO feel sad; and it may help to say your person's name and tell stories about them to help keep your person alive.

Resolution 3: Don't apologize for crying. Do you sometimes burst into tears in front of others and then feel embarrassed? Well, guess what? You get to be a human who is feeling sad and missing your person!

Resolution 4: Accept the fact that some friends suck at showing up. We wish all our friends knew what to say or what not to say, that they'd check in and keep inviting us to stuff. But the reality? Some won't. Try telling them what you need (for example, "I know you might assume I'd like to be alone but it would feel better if you called me to see how I'm doing.") If they still refuse to show up, it may be worth considering whether they're a true friend.

Resolultion 5: Say yes to help. You don't have to carry grief alone, and we recommend you don't. When someone offers help, go ahead and say yes if you could use it. Yes to helping with errands, studying, driving you somewhere, taking you for dinner. Not everyone will pull through, but some will, and that's enough!

Any resolutions you either want to try out oor that you'd add to the list? Go to @griefsucksdotcom on IG and let us know!

Ugh, sympathy cards are the worst. Well, maybe not getting any card or message at all is kind of worse but the cards are still real bad. All of that glossy gold lettering and pastel flowers and talk about sending blessings and “things happen for a reason.” And what are we supposed to do with them after reading them? Because we're definitely not saving them!

That said, we recently came across these awesome sympathy cards from a company called Em and Friends (and no, we didn’t get a penny from them for promotion). They are so great!

You can find the featured card here.

Other sentiments we love from the collection:

"No card can make this better. But I'm giving it to you anyway."

"I see you. Not in a creepy "watching you from afar while hiding behind a tree" kind of way...more like a "I know you're going through some stuff and I'm here for you kind of way."

"I know this day really sucks for you. I'm thinking of you."

Check out their whole "empathy collection" here. 

Cheers to the founder and illustrator Emily McDowell, who created the line in 2012 and then joined forces with the brand "Knock, Knock" in 2018, "uniting two sister brands under one kickass umbrella." We love your umbrella.

One of the many reasons that grief can make teens feel alone is that their friends who haven't experienced it often don't know how to talk about it. They don't know what to say or how to act, and so they might even ignore the person grieving, for fear of saying the wrong thing.

Here's what some of our Youth Advisory Board shared with us about their friends:

"They try so hard to understand what you are going through and say they do know what you are going through. But they don't know. As years go by and if I talk about it, they get more used to talking about it. The people that saw me go through grief and were friends before are more comfortable and want me to talk about him. They know that some days are harder than others and you have bad days and are upset because you miss your person and they are there for you." (Olivia, age 16, dad died)

"My non-grieving friends never talk about grief and my father's death. They look at it as uncomfortable and something to avoid at all costs." (Yehuda, age 17)

"Yes, my friends talk about how they are happy they don’t need to deal with it." (Bobbie, age 16, father died)

"My friends definitely talk about death, they all have expressed some grief. We all know about each others' grieving experiences and know how to comfort everyone in our friend group."  (Virginia, age 17, father died)

"Not really. Most of my friends don't really know how to approach the subject of my brother dying. They can be uncomfortable when I bring it up so I try to avoid it around them. Most of them have little to no experience with grief as well. At the most they will talk about their most recent loss like a grandparent." (Greyson, age 15)

"When the subject of my dad's death is brought up, my friends seem very uncomfortable. My friends sometimes try to compare my loss to things like their dads working a lot. Sometimes people have said just plain rude, and mean comments, which makes me wonder if I should talk about it at all." (Lola, age 12)

Do you talk about your grief with friends who haven't experienced death? Why or why not? Go to @griefsucksdotcom and let us know!
 

There's so much talk about how generations think and behave differently from another. Like, is Gen Z really that different from Millennials? How is Gen Alpha going to be different that Gen Z? It got us wondering, how do teens say their generation grieves differently than their parents' generation? We asked a group of grieving teens from across the country, and here's what some of them said:

"My generation is more emotional towards death. In my parents' generation there was obviously death and sadness but it didn't impact their emotional systems as much as it is for us." (Janiyah, age 17)

"I think different generations grieve differently because of the impact that social media has on our society. Also the different recourses to access." (Virginia, age 18)

"I think we have more resources and are more open about our feelings. We are able to share our experiences with others and grow together through them. We are also taught that is good to talk about grief and express our emotions. Our parents' generation is not as comfortable talking about grief or expressing their feelings." (Greyson, age 15)

"My parents' generation were kinda of told to get over it and move on. This generation allows us to grieve a little more." (Jaylen, age 14)

"Since me and my mom both lost our dads at the same age, we have lots of similarities but at the same, there are many differences in how we each grieve. For one thing, I got to go to grief camp; plus there are more music, books,films, tv shows, and social media platforms that are made to help deal with grief then when my mom was a kid. I think the conversation of grief is not as avoided as it used to be." (Lola, age 12)

"I don't know a lot about how my parents' generation grieves, but I know especially with my dad's side of the family, generally they are very quiet about it. They seem to do it in private a lot, that's just how they grieve." (Kristiana, age 17)

by Louie C., age 14

I lost my dad when I was six, and he was my best friend. I find that honoring him can be incredibly hard yet enjoyable at the same time, and both of these feelings are completely normal. Experience Camps taught me the saying, “It is okay to be okay,” which I totally agree with–especially on the anniversary of your person’s death.

When the date of my father’s death comes around, on October 3rd,  I am never sure whether or not I would like to ignore the date or recognize it. I don’t really enjoy talking about his death on the day. It isn’t like I’m ashamed, I just find it hard and exhausting to try and explain what this day means to me because I am already sad about it. Plus, they don’t always understand.

So instead of talking, I choose to find an activity to honor my dad. For the past few years, my mom and I have been planting flowers to celebrate his life. We like to do this because it gives us an activity that we both enjoy doing, and I can put my emotions into planting flowers instead of struggling to talk about it with people. 

How can you pick a good activity?

There are many things you can do in honor of your special person who has died. It does not have to be gardening like my family does. To help you figure out what you would like to do, think of something your person was known for. It can be something as simple as listening to music they liked, or visiting a place they loved to go.

In the past, when my family lived in NYC, we would visit a park my dad loved every year. We even had the park’s management department engrave his name and a little saying onto a bench in the park, and we would invite others to have a picnic there. 

So, when the day comes around for your person who died, let it all out: cry, feel everything, and even lay in bed all day. But also try to find some time to celebrate your person’s life in ways big or small. 

It can be confusing figuring out if we should post on our social media about our person who died. Will we feel better after posting? A hundred times worse? Get weird comments and regret it? Feel pressure to respond to comments, even if we don't feel like it? 

Here's the truth: there is no right or wrong answer about whether to post about your person who died. What’s important is that we take the time to think about our choice with intention because there’s no taking it back if we do post. 

Here are thoughts we heard from teens…

Aari: “I share things on social media about my father who died because I feel like by sharing a little bit of my story to my followers, it brings light to reality and the topic of grief that so many people push away.”

Ali: “I posted a picture of my dad when he died—it was one of my favorites. I didn’t have any deeper reasoning, it was just nice to share a photo of him out of love.”

Kiki: “I don't post. The people I tell about my loved one’s deaths are super close to me, but social media is super expansive, and I’m not close with everyone that I follow or am followed by.”

Avner: “I chose not to make a post about my father dying because it is not something I felt I should be trying to make public. People who know me knew what happened, and it wasn't necessary to tell everyone about it.”

How do YOU feel about posting on social media about your person dying? Good idea? bad idea? What wisdom can you drop on this? 

Go to @GRIEFSUCKSDOTCOM on IG and let us know!

We asked many grieving young people for their favorite comfort snacks at times when they’re feeling particularly griefy. We liked the weird and super specific responses, like "tuna fish sandwich with potato chips mashed up in the tuna for extra crunch" and the simple ones like "spoonfuls of peanutbutter right out of the jar."

But when it comes to the most common go-to treats, here are the most popular favorites: 

#4 Chips (bring on salt, you told us)

#3 Chocolate (bars, brownies, cake, cookies, mmmm, melty, sugary chocolate of whatever kind)

#2 Ice cream (um, can you believe vanilla, plain VANILLA, is the #1 flavor pick in the U.S.?)

#1 Pizza (Did you know teens are the age group to eat the most pizza in our country?)

Where do you stand on these four faves? Do you have a different go-to comfort food not listed above? 

Tell us @GRIEFSUCKSDOTCOM on IG and let us know. This is important info!

One of the hardest parts about grief: when people tell you things to "cheer you up" - and those things happen to suck. Like, they make you want to scream or cry or hide in your closet. 

Granted, it’s hard to know exactly what to say to someone who is greiving. But below are a few things many of us don't want to hear. Like, ever. (That said, we know what might upset one person can feel exactly right to another.)

“It’s all part of God’s plan.” Says Gina, age 12: “I mean, seriously? God wanted my father to die in a horrible accident and that was part of some big master plan? I don’t think so!”

“You will get over your grief.” Says Max, age 17, “Ummmm, no, I won’t! We’re talking about my BROTHER who DIED. I’m not going to get over it.”

“Let me know if you need anything.” Says Frank, age 15, “What am I supposed to say back to that? Could you do my homework for a month? If you want to do something nice for me, cool, do it! Don’t make me come up with something and then ask you for it.”

Are there cringey things people have said to YOU? Share it.

Go to @GRIEFSUCKSDOTCOM on IG and let us know! Bonus points if you tell us what you wish they would say!

You wake up in the middle night - heart racing - because you just had a dream about your person who died. Maybe it was a sweet dream where you felt overjoyed to spend time with them again. Maybe it was a nightmare where something awful happened (ACK, not again!), or you learned in the dream they've gone on a long trip and were not actually dead this whole time (yep, this is a common one). It can be disorienting at best, and totally disturbing at worst.

How do you comfort yourself in the middle of the night when there's no one to talk to and also not enough distractions?

Here are 3 ways:

1. Breathe. Try a breathing exercise such as "4-7-8 breathing" (inhale for four seconds, hold for seven seconds, and exhale for eight seconds).

2. Ground. Get your body grounded (meaning, you want to feel solidly back in your body) by using your sense of smell: take a long sniff of a scented item you find soothing, such as an essential oil, scented lotion, or even your favorite shampoo. Maybe keep the scented product by your bed for this very reason.

3. Release. Move your body to get rid of stressful energy. Walk around the house, shake out your arms and legs (no one is watching), jump up and down a few times. You can also just stretch gently if you don't want to wake yourself up even more.

Had a weird grief dream recently or in the past? Share it with our community so we can support each other.

Go to @GRIEFSUCKSDOTCOM on IG and tell us about it.